[*Full disclosure: I rode my bike there, get over it.]

Imaginary.

BREAKING – In a NOPA District coffee/art/sandwiches/earth-tones establishment, a young man finished his second beer and felt the desire for a cigarette despite having allegedly quit two months ago. No word on whether the falafel will be finished or whether he’ll stare at it for another fifteen minutes.

There is word on the wire that he’ll attempt to talk to the girl at the counter about “what she does” and “records”. More on this story as it develops.

After hearing the announcement on Wednesday that ING would be dropping their Bay to Breakers sponsorship, the fine Citizens for the Preservation of Bay2Breakers (Why do we always put a 2 in there? That’s stupid.) put together this data-filled press release/blog post detailing why Bay to Breakers (Or “B2B”, barf you please) will still be around after ING and AEG. The whole thing, in it’s bulleted entirety reads like a transcribed Power Point Presentation, but somewhere among the numbers that they pull from both cited sources and “educated guesses”, there are some salient points, as they say*:

First, there’s the implication that ING was butthurt that the San Francisco Employees’ Retirement System moved its portfolio to Great West Retirement Services by in January of 2009. Which actually seems like a possible factor. Mostly because of how banker types tend to be boring enough to take someone else’s business decision personally.

Some of the hard data in the press release makes a decent case for keeping hope alive (like the fact that the City actually recoups all it’s costs in setup, cleaning, etc), but there’s also some fuzzy math like comparing the 110,000 participants in the record-setting 1986 Bay to Breakers to the number of people re-elected Gavin’s Hair in 2007 (105,596, in case you were wondering). So, we should elect Bay to Breakers for Mayor? Is that what you’re saying?

Also, there’s some fun stuff in here! Like, did you know people from 49 out of 50 states participated in Bay to Breakers in 2008? Who says they don’t like San Francisco values in the middle of the country? (Which state do we think was holding out? And can we get a local news piece on that state’s representative to the 100-year anniversary race next year?)

Most importanly though, is the C4TPOB2B’s (official abbrev) call for generally more common sense, which…uh…makes sense because, while banning booze and floats would make sense for say – a tailgate parade in Lincoln, Nebraska – it doesn’t really make sense to kinda-sorta ban booze, but then allow it if it’s in a cup or a jello-shot or the cops are thirsty or it’s actually cocaine in a portapotty. What does make sense is more (yes, even more!) porta-potties along the course, more efficient 6-man urinal things that aren’t people’s doorsteps, and some more well-place barricades (like say, at Divis and Hayes) to keep people on track and near the Sani-Cans.

Although the Author of the press release (and the group’s Co-Chair) is named Conor, which is like the #1 sign that he might just be Frat guy in disguise trying to keep his right to drag a Prop Lifegaurd tower over Alamo Square. (Just kidding, Conor!)

*Business people say that, don’t they?

This morning, the Chronicle, SFAppeal, SFist and your friend who doesn’t even live in San Francisco all reported that ING has pulled out of their Bay to Breakers sponsorship. The reasons for halting the bankroll? Well, it’s all unofficial rumors, but apparently, “ING is fed up with all the bad publicity that the race has generated in recent years, especially the complaints of residents around the Panhandle and Alamo Square about revelers and runners urinating, defecating and generally behaving rudely.” [Emphasis mine, duh.]

OK, I don’t know of any reports of people defecating (except for maybe that piece of shit KKKatie left outside the porta-johns), but I don’t think I should have to remind anyone that Bay to Breakers has been going on in some form or another for 99 years. So even the smuggiest Victorian-restoring, fart-sniffer (Just kidding! No one in San Francisco likes the smell of restored Victorians!) must have known about the yearly power washing they were going to have to do when they moved in. Also, I’d like to point out there are multiple old-folks homes (technical term) within a block of the course on the other side of the hill in Hayes Valley, and you don’t hear any of them complaining. Or maybe they’re deaf. That’s also a possibility.

Now, I don’t mean to be dismissive of the concerns of my neighbors because, in fact, at least one person successfully put their penis in between the bars of the front gate to my building and that sucked. On the other hand, I think there’s another group we can all agree to hate on, and I don’t even mean hipsters! (The already problematic “hipster” label, gets even tougher to nail down when the #1 costume is “American Apparel Dumpster Dive Chic”) No, I’m talking about the floats. While I’m all for creativity in the form of a temporary vehicle, the majority of the floats I saw this year were little more than an invitation for one’s ladyfriends to dress up in grass skirts and lifeguard uniforms. These mediocre excuses to drag a PA system and thousands of jello shots through the city were generally led by guys in flip-flops hailing from Santa Clara, which explains why they had absolutely no problem pissing (and pooping, apparently?) all over the place.

So what am I getting at here? Mostly that San Francisco needs to start having a sense of humor about itself again. I was under the impression that we all live here because it affords us a certain freedom to act like total nutjobs every now and then. As much as I think Burning Man is kind of annoying, those whackos at least attempt to maintain a sense of community around their temporary nihilism. Maybe the rest of us could learn a thing or two from their ability to be their own ideal weirdo for a little while without infringing on a neighbor’s right to not have to deal with your bullshit.

Also, everyone stop peeing on people’s stoops. Geez.

[original photo via: SFCitizen]

Mike over at IBikeNoPa reports that another cyclist has been struck by a motorist in the neighborhood. This time it’s not at the Masonic and Fell intersection that’s been causing so many problems (mostly for drivers) lately. Instead the accident, reported by local Matthew Brill, occurred around 2:45pm on Sunday at Fulton st. and Arguello boulevard. From the sounds of Brill’s report, the rider was exiting Golden Gate Park crossing Fulton and the driver was making a left on to Fulton. Because Arguello in the park was blocked off for Sunday car-free days, the driver probably wasn’t expecting any traffic to come from that direction. (Although, this is all speculation on Brill’s part, he didn’t witness the accident personally.)

So what’s up with the rash of accidents lately? Are drivers getting worse? Are cyclists feeling a little too cocky in their bike lanes? We’re all for supporting cyclists around here, but if you take a second look at the locations where these accidents occurred, the problem seems to be where the bike paths (not bike lanes, mind you) intersect with bike-free traffic lanes. I dunno, I’m just spitballin’ here. Maybe I should just shut up and ride my backpack chairlift.

Graphic via: the internet

Most of the hate crime allegations come from the fact that she was spraying her terribly bland KKK tag all over the place, as well as swastikas on two Arab-owned business on Divis. (Although, to be fair, she did tag a Star of David on the Harding Theater, but it was next to someone else’s equally-boring “Alah” [sic?] tag so maybe she’s just an all-around contrarian bitchface.)

That last charge of dissuading a witness came after she sprayed the lengthy message you see above at last weekend’s Bay to Breakers. Per the Appeal, she “allegedly attempted to spray-paint an African-American man who tried to report the Bay to Breakers vandalism on Sunday and then allegedly made racial comments to him and threatened him with false claims of rape if he reported the incidents.” Yikes!

Look, I’m not one to debate street art vs. vandalism, but if you’re gonna go around trying to make a name for yourself using $15 worth of supplies from the hardware store, could you at least make it look kind of nice? Did you only have one can of paint? You probably shouldn’t be running with a nom de guerre that includes a commonly recognized abbreviation of your given name either. I know if I ever start calling myself a Rustoleum Wrangler, I’m gonna go by “ChChCharlie” and my tagline will be “Do not attempt to tag actual human beings.”

So this just happened. About seven fire trucks and various squad cars showed up on Divis while smoke poured out the doors of Popeye’s. Seemed a bit excessive since there were no massive grease-fueled towers of fire involved, but I imagine places like that are equipped to keep that shit contained to the kitchen. SFFD was crawling over the roof and scoping out the building next door as well. The only comment I could get out of the crew chief was “could you please move to the sidewalk.” So much for citizen journalism.

Anyway, I’m glad I made my yearly trip to Popeye’s over the weekend, but I bet you can expect your Louisiana Spicy variety to be extra smokey for the next few days. Meanwhile, NOPA’s special tonight is their wood-grilled calamari. Nobody on the sidewalk at Bean Bag seemed to be phased by all the ruckus, but they’re probably smoked out already.

We’ll be sure to update if the chicken slingers aren’t open tomorrow. In the meantime, some photos:

Despite all the attempts at sabotage this morning, Mayor Hairsom came to the neighborhood this morning to check out the new parklet at Mojo. (Presumably, he didn’t take the 21-Hayes.) Standing on recycled-material flooring and surrounded by hard-to-kill plants, solar powered garden lights, and a couple of bike racks he congratulated everyone involved on a job well done. He also let the crowd know that he gave up coffee (because of how it’s kind of like cocaine, probably) and spent his morning on Divisadero sipping green tea, so you know he’s totally a man of the people. He even rolled up his sleeves before shaking Ross “The Boss” Mirkarimi’s hand. Also in attendance was DPW director Edward Reiskin, who I don’t have a funny nickname for and former NOPNA President Leela Gill, who seems like a nice lady.

Gavin’s remarks seemed pretty off-the-cuff and mostly he stuck to thanking everyone involved so there’s not really much to snark about. Although his statement about how the Divisadero Rehab project was finished in 7 months instead of 2 years is only true if you consider “leaving a bunch of building supplies on the street” the same as “completing” a project, but that gives DPW another 17 months to remove everything so I’ll allow it. We shouldn’t pat ourselves on the back too soon though, because there’s always that chance for a relapse. Which Gavbro even hinted at himself when he pointed out that the new parklet will remain in place “as long as we keep it up.” Here’s to hoping those solar-powered garden lights keep the homeless from turning those planters into toilets.

And speaking of poop, before anyone could shit on the removal of parking spaces in favor of bike racks, he also pointed out that DPW/Muni removed a redundant stop on the 24-Divisadero line down the block, which has been converted back to parking spaces. So there!

And if you’re sad you missed it, then have a look at this handy gallery. Email me if you’d like a copy of any of these to show to your hairstylist.

Elsewhere:

SFCitizen keeps an eye on Synergy’s Honking Yellow Hummer that was parked across the street the whole time.

Mike at IBikeNoPa actually interviewed some people involved.

The power’s out! News, you guys! The 21-Hayes pulled down a telephone pole at Hayes and Baker, which shorted out the grid in the neighborhood. The police officer I spoke with said it was a couple block radius, but the power has been out at my place at Masonic and Fulton since 9am. Some spots on Divis lost power for about 20 minutes or so around 10:45am. But it looks like it’s back on just in time for Gavin’s appearance at Mojo’s new parklet.

UPDATE: Eve over at the Appeal kindly summed up my frantic emails of the outage. She’s a real journo and all so head there for all the “official” details.

Some photos of the carnage:

[UPDATE: Kate over at Scenes-from-my-hood emailed me to let me know Billy the Dog has been found! Thanks, internet/dog catcher/Homeward Bound 3: Dog in the City.]

Look guys, I’m no vegansaurus over here, but I’m a dog person and I’d really rather avoid another incident in the panhandle. So that adorable guy up there goes by the name Billy and he belongs to a friend of a friend of the blog (It’s the internet, we all know everybody somehow). More importantly, he went missing from the Panhandle (park) this afternoon and his owner Meredith would like to have him home safe and sound. Here’s Meredith’s description:

“He was in the Panhandle with my boyfriend near Fell and Clayton. He ran away, across the street. A girl told my boyfriend she saw him almost get hit by a car and that she saw him with two young men who looked concerned but haven’t contacted us. We lost him around 3:30 pm today. His name is Billy, he has a green nylon color and his tag has his name and my boyfriend’s phone number on it.”

If you find Billy, then you’ve got the number to call. At the risk of spreading someone’s phone number all across the internet, please go here to: scenes-from-my-hood if you have any other info. Or just email andrew [at] aggressivepanhandler.com and we’ll connect you to the right person. Even if you don’t have any info, retweet it, put it on facebook or whatever, let’s find Billy!

Thanks, gang.