Were you a kind gentleman helping an elderly Woman cross Masonic by the Lucky’s on Fulton? If so there’s a 24 year-old chick who thinks you flashed her the most gorgeous smile she’s ever seen!

Were you wearing a beanie and a North Face jacket while getting beer at Jay’s on Divis? If so there’s a 28 year-old lady who sounds like a young Liz Lemon who wants to share some jalapeno poppers with you sometime.

Were you a lady drinking something red(ish) in a martini glass at The Page last night? Perhaps you were wearing a scarf and a jacket and sitting with a friend who wore glasses? In that case the 25 year-old guy who wouldn’t stop staring at you wants to buy you a drink sometime.

Did you receive a blowjob from a gentleman behind the bathrooms in “the park”? (Which park? I don’t know! It doesn’t say! Alamo Square maybe? Remind not to use those bathrooms!) Anyway, that gentleman would like to get in touch with you.

Now that you’ve gotten past the first step and inevitably started dating/getting more blowjobs behind the bathrooms. Why not impress your new acquaintance with a preciously antiquated ritual and make them a mixtape? I know what you’re thinking, “who has time for making mixtapes these days?”

Well, I do – that’s who. So, here’s the first installment of the AggressivePanhandler Mixtape Series on 8tracks. It’s a perfect crunchy, dark, and mellow 12 songs for holding on to that chilly romance right until you inevitably dump them before you have to buy a Christmas present. Check it out below or click over to 8tracks.com to listen. Feel free to pass it around and call it your own. I’m like an old Jewish mom, I’m so good at matchmaking.

“Lots of stuff and important thingies on the corner of Broderick and Eddy.” (Craigslist post)

I don’t know what’s so important about stuffed animals or books, but with a disco ball and a strobe light you could probably recreate all the fun of the Treasure Island Festival right in your very apartment!

Besides, the books and plush toys are probably sopping wet by now.

Disclaimer: Aggressive Panhandler does not endorse or imply endorsement of  any act of unprovoked aggression except perhaps aggressive toasting.

Then “Cafe Abir” (if that even is their real name!) has a job for you: Cook, Sandwish Maker Wanted “Cafe Abir”

via: Craigslist