Nash Bridges Revisited: Episode 2: Home Invasion
by Andrew Dalton on January 15, 2010In what might eventually prove to be a feeble attempt at connecting with his adopted city, Andrew is watching every episode of Nash Bridges’ inaugural season. His analysis of this once-popular television program can be found here and on the SFAppeal every Friday until the SF Public Library makes him return the DVDs. If you missed any, you can always catch up here.
SPOILER ALERT: By the end of this episode, Nash Bridges will not solve a crime. This is starting to be a problem because that means we’ll be a quarter of the way through the first season’s run of eight episodes and Nash will be little more than a Reno Lounge Act cracking jokes and performing illusions while doing zero actual detective work.
I mean, I was never a huge fan of cop shows, mostly because I am not my grandfather (#teamconan!), but I’m pretty sure that detectives are supposed to be trained to look for clues and follow up on leads in order to SOLVE CRIMES. The premise of this show relies partially on the fact that other members of the SFPD don’t agree with Nash’s tactics. I can see why. It’s because Nash has no tactics, and no one likes the jerk who sits back, waits for all the pieces to fall into place and then takes all the credit for it. More on this later…
So, Episode 2: “Home Invasion” opens with (naturally) a home invasion. Through the jerky slow-mo of a Brian DePalma movie, we see a Winnebago on a nameless street and some face-painted intruders breaking into the home of a wealthy Asian gentleman. Meanwhile, Nash is returning home to his condemned very classy apartment. Judging by the enthusiasm he has for cracking open a beer, I can assume he had a very long day of doing nothing at his bullshit detective job while Harvey (the Deadhead one) called phone sex lines and Cortez (the go-getter sidekick) actually tried to stop some crime or at least go fetch Nash a latté. (They had Starbucks in ‘96, right?)
Really, I just think that the pilot spent so much time making Nash look like a clown, the crew decided to take their pencils into their hamfists and write the second episode to literally put the clown face on someone else:
This show is getting serious! Like: “dark” and “edgy” serious!
But Nash is clueless! Arriving at the crime scene, he learns this is the second home invasion in two months and it’s getting more violent. “But I thought this was a Vietnamese phenomenon,” he remarks. Sure, Nash, you’re right: only the Vietnamese ever get their houses broken into. I guess we’ll go tell the Chinese woman whose husband just got murdered over some necklaces that we have no idea what we’re talking about. That’s exactly what you tell a woman who’s terrified to talk to the police because she’s afraid the roving Mongol hordes of Pac Heights will return in their Winnebago to sack her village. Sorry we woke you, go back to sleep, Nash.
Sadly, not even Nash’s “I’m Very Sorry” eyes can coax the rattled woman into speaking, so it’s back to the station where the gang’s all here and they’re doing some real police work!
OK, so we’re looking for a big truck…
But wait, back up! Where did this new girl come from? Cabo? And why is she giving Nash gifts? Why is she so flirty with a guy who has so many ex-wives and a midlife crisis the size of Coit Tower? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
So Nash decides to answer no questions at all by taking a ride to see Terry Wong, the mob boss played by the guy who only plays Asian mob bosses on TV shows. (When will this guy ever get his Mr. Miagi role?) But Terry is too busy running his business to know who these small time thugs are. Also, his running his business entails: listening to hair metal, rigging the dice at his backroom craps table, and hanging out with Sylvester Stallone. These are all very important traits of a character we might never see again. Thank you, writers, for making absolutely sure we knew you could write three-dimensional nutjobs. I imagine it was hard with those big meat hands. ANYHOW, it’s off with Nash and Cheech who head back to the penthouse to prepare for their weekend slumber party because Cheech has been kicked out of his house, but he’s bringing over a bunch of Elk meat from his hunting trip and can he have the last Otter Pop?
While Nash is busy not doing police work in the middle of the day (is it the weekend? I can’t tell because he’s been wearing the same clothes this whole episode), it seems one of the criminals screwed up and used one of the stolen credit cards. This guy is pretty much a criminal mastermind, but if the whole crime thing doesn’t work out for him he can probably get a job at the genius bar. (Because of how smart he is.)
Unfortunately, the shakedown goes all wrong and leads to a hostage situation. Before Nash can talk the troubled teen out of doing something stupid, a shop owner comes from nowhere, pulls a shotgun and kills the poor kid. Nash sighs the exasperated sigh of a man whose life is completely beyond his control, and he knows he’s going to be working late tonight when he’d rather be eating elk meat and applying facial masks with his best friend. Please excuse him, he needs to just sit for a moment:
But instead of heading home where he has a freezer full of elk, he heads to Luigi’s for “drinks and maybe some food”, where his second ex-wife is also currently on a blind date with a dentist who has no salivary glands. Ugh, this show! If you close your eyes and play it on fast forward, it’s basically Family Guy meets Encyclopedia Brown. (A cartoon and a children’s book, keep up.) Just listen to this gem:
Perfect, I can just imagine a room full of writers holed up in the Fairmont, squinting through a haze of pot smoke and just wondering how they can work “he needs the lubrication for masticating” in to the script.
After the writers are done killing airtime, we arrive at the next morning. Nash has successfully re-bagged his ex-wife Kelly, Cassidy is OK with it, Cheech is cooking elk liver for breakfast, and the whole team arrives because hey, weren’t we all supposed to be working on preventing more home invasions and homicides? Or something?
But the team brings good news: a break in the case! Jimmy, the now-dead, gang member was a part of a brand new gang made up of people who were kicked out of other gangs. (Another brilliant idea, gangsters!) Even better is Cassidy trying to make sense of the whole thing by comparing it to Perry Farrell leaving Jane’s Addiction to form Porno for Pyros, because that’s who this show is really aimed at: 16 year-old fans of the Amazing Jonathan and Jane’s Addiction.
From here, the episode clunks along through a couple throwaway scenes that set us up to be in a nice cuddly place when Nash slides into bed next to Kelly. Only to have the Home Invaders come CRASHING through the skylights, guns blazing despite the fact that Nash’s apartment already sports a massive hole where a door should be.
But whoops, now it looks like we’ve wasted too much airtime, so let’s literally cut to the chase: One of the bad guys dropped his cellphone in Nash’s apartment. A quick press of the “recall button” leads the fuzz directly to our guy who, realizing he’s been made, takes off in the Winnebago for a joyride on a stretch of freeway that’s been missing since the earthquake. A gun falls to the floor, blocking the brake pedal. The gas tank begins leaking. An axle is dragging and creating sparks along the pavement. This won’t end well:
So there you have it. There was no police work required to solve this case and the asshole just drove himself off the freeway in a ball of fire. We spent about 45 minutes of the episode feeling sorry for Nash because his job is very stressful! But despite all outward appearances, he is in no more control of his life than the Genius Bandits who had THE WORST getaway vehicle ever. Like the rigged game of craps in the Chinatown gambling hall, Nash knows he’s going to win, but where’s the fun in rolling the dice if you already know the outcome?
Next week: Maybe some detective work?
This show looks a lot like Trauma.
The best episode of Nash Bridges was the one where that woman got all crazy on Don Johnson in the Marina:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/johnson1.html
Of course if Don Johnson was going to harass a woman anywhere it would be at Mas Sake. I wonder if the waitresses dressed like schoolgirls even then.
I knew that research said that 97 % of weblogreaders just read and only 3 % responds, but it is good to see the reasons why those who don’t do this! Thanks and keep up the good work!